


Of Snow, Sarcasm, and Sadistic Urges

by summerhuntresses



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Christmas Crack, Crack, F/F, Humor, don't even ask
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 23:53:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1100028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerhuntresses/pseuds/summerhuntresses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fearless gang of rescuers wakes up to a very unusual occurrence one morning. Cue absolute chaos. Set at an unspecified point in Neverland. Swan Queen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Snow, Sarcasm, and Sadistic Urges

**Author's Note:**

> This is my entry for rizzolionisles' Swan Queen Secret Santa. Rainbowsandcrap, I hope you enjoy. Check them noth out on tumblr, by the way, they've got awesome blogs.
> 
> This is set in Neverland, but requires a slight suspension of disbelief timewise. Captain Swan is one of my favorite brotps and as such is heavily featured.

“What the _actual_ fuck?”

A flash of blonde heralded the return of the Savior to consciousness. Jumping to her feet, Emma shook her head vigorously, fully expecting her hair to shake out and fall around her in its usual graceful waves.

It didn’t.

It moved in one solid mass, jerking around her face once before falling quickly still. Reaching up incredulously, Emma poked at it, hoping her fingers would tell her something other than what she really, _really_ didn’t want to believe.

“ _How_ the fuck-?”

She was cut off by Regina. Rolling her eyes, the brunette sat up in her bedroll, wrapping the blanket more firmly around herself before addressing Emma. “Really, Miss Swan, must you wake the entire island with your dramatics? Just because _you’ve_ obviously never seen a snowflake before doesn’t mean the rest of Neverland is as uncivilised.” Regina paused, before adding, “And in case you haven’t noticed, your hair is a mess. Be a dear and do something about that?”

Emma’s mouth opened and closed helplessly. She sputtered, trying to isolate a single thought from the chaos swirling in her brain and finding it difficult. At least seven things were banging at the forefront of her mind, and she had no idea which one was the most pressing.

It was snowing. Neverland was a tropical island. Regina had insulted her hair. It was snowing. Her parents were nowhere to be seen. Somehow Hook had managed to sleep through Emma’s rude awakening. It was _snowing._

Emma decided to go with that.

“It’s _snowing._ How the fuck is it _snowing?_ This is a goddamn tropical island, why are there fucking _snowflakes_ falling from the fucking _sky_? Did we piss off a weather god or some shit? Why did I wake up _covered in fucking snow?_ ” By the end of her rant Emma’s eyes had gotten very wide and slightly manic. Regina gave her a disapproving look.

“Don’t be silly, dear. There’s no such thing as gods. Not any good ones anyway.”

Emma’s eyes got even wider than they already were and her mouth opened for what was no doubt a spectacular yell, but before any noise could emerge a snowdrift on the other side of the camp began shaking.

A look of alarm painted itself on the blonde’s face. “What’s that? Is it an animal? Is it magic?” She drew her sword, leveling it tentatively at the movement and circling closer to Regina.

The queen sighed, not looking at all bothered. “No dear, it’s not magic. Popular opinion says it isn’t an animal either, but I am not convinced.” She cast a contemptuous look at the mound before waving a hand at it. The snow seemed to explode, throwing itself into the air in all directions and revealing a shuddering couple clinging to each other, looking distinctly blue-tinged. “No, it’s not an animal. It’s _two_ animals. Silly me.” With that Regina rose from her seated position and stalked off into the bushes.

Emma stood with her sword dangling pathetically by her side. “David? Mary Margaret?” She began to approach them. “Are you guys all right?”

“Of course they’re all right, love, it was just a bit of snow. I dare say it’s not the first time David’s woken up covered in snow anyway, eh?” Emma jumped sideways, bringing her sword up suddenly and swearing colorfully before marching over and smacking the pirate. “Easy with the goods, love!” Hook preened himself, reaching into a pouch at his waist and extracting a shard of mirror. Seemingly oblivious to Emma’s flabbergasted stare, he gazed at his reflection before more intently examining it, making sure that there was no visible damage from Emma’s violent tendencies.

Emma blinked hard before sheathing her sword and reaching up to massage her suddenly aching head. “This is all waaaaay too much for this early in the morning.” She sighed hard. “Does anyone know why it’s snowing on the never-aging, never-changing, _tropical island_ that is Neverland?”

Mary Margaret, significantly less blue than earlier, gazed at Emma with a distinctly adoring look in her eyes. “It’s you, Emma. You’re the Savior. You restarted time in Storybrooke, now you’re restarting time here.”

David wrapped an arm around his wife, his chest swelling with pride. “You’re the product of True Love. You can break any curse.” He looked _extremely_ proud of that fact. Emma took a cautious step back to circumvent any idea the man might have about fatherly hugging.

She bestowed the both of them with a skeptical look. “Uh, Mary Margaret, I made time start moving again. I didn’t make it abruptly skip six months and four climate zones.” Emma kicked a pile of snow off a climbing vine to complete her point.

Mary Margaret frowned slightly, but wasn’t so easily dissuaded. “Well, Neverland is a different world entirely. Your magic probably works differently here. Like Regina and how her magic was terrible in Storybrooke!” She had perked up slightly by the end, obviously enjoying the thought of her enemy’s weakness.

“Wrong as usual, dear.” Regina’s voice made everyone jump. She had emerged abruptly from the trees behind the family, unnoticed until she spoke up. She sneered in Mary Margaret’s direction. “Miss Swan is the Savior, yes. She did break my curse and restart time, but there is no curse on Neverland. She wouldn’t affect its magic at all, and there are no circumstances in which her… _love_ magic could actually make time skip in that way.” She ground out the word ‘love’ as if it hurt her to say.

Mary Margaret looked almost personally offended by Regina’s words, but her answering volley was cut off by Hook. “It’s Pan.” He said the words confidently, no trace of doubt in his voice. He then turned his attention to his hook, pulling a cloth from his pocket and beginning to polish the curved blade. The pirate gave no attention to the four pairs of eyes fixed expectantly on him, either oblivious or simply well-practiced at ignoring unwanted attention.

Regina lost her patience first, hurling a fireball that barely missed Hook’s ear. He jumped and swore violently, losing his cloth in his alarm. He looked up crankily. “And what, pray tell, did I do to deserve _that_ , your Majesty?”

The woman smiled nastily. “Pirate, if you don’t elaborate on both your statement and the source of said knowledge, I will take great pleasure in granting you a matching hook on your other hand. You seem to covet the one you have so much, I can’t imagine you disliking my gift.” She flexed her fingers to emphasize her point, looking far too excited at the prospect for Emma’s liking.

“Okay, Regina, I think Hook would be glad to tell us everything he knows.” She paused to shoot Hook a sharp glance, returning her gaze to Regina and taking her hand once the pirate had voiced his vigorous agreement. “There’s no need for violence, kay?” She dipped her head to catch the queen’s eyes, not giving up until their gazes were locked.

Regina looked mutinous for a moment, but as her staring match with Emma went on her face gradually softened until there were no traces of murder left. She wordlessly lowered her outstretched hand and moved back from Hook, sitting on a log they had found the night before. She didn’t let go of Emma’s hand, though, and the blonde was forced to move with her so not to dislodge it.

Hook cleared his throat. “Well now, since we’re all good and calm, how about I get on with the story, yeah? Since you all seem to be so eager to hear it.” He glared at Regina, but quickly looked away when a spark shimmered in her free hand.

“I suggest you speak clearly and succinctly, Hook. It is early and I was woken up in a fairly unpleasant manner, and it would cheer me up immensely to have an excuse to correct your abominable lack of symmetry. It’s really quite irritating.” Regina gave the pirate’s hook a meaningful glance in case he had missed the point behind her overt threat.

The man narrowed his eyes, but didn’t engage the sorceress beyond caressing his hook with his remaining hand. “All right then, your Majesty.” The sarcasm that oozed off the title was not lost on anyone, but Emma tightened her grip on Regina’s hand before the queen could make any sort of violent attempt. “When I was in Neverland before, it was around this same time of year. I got friendly with a few of the Lost Boys, and they told me what was going on when it happened then.”

Snow cut in abruptly. “Wait, you’re saying this has happened before? That it’s a regular thing?” She glanced disappointedly at Emma.

Hook shrugged. “According to the Boys, Pan likes Christmas.” He looked down, picked up the rag, and went back to polishing his hook.

Emma was forced to make a grab for Regina’s other hand to keep her from launching a fireball directly at the pirate’s head. He saw the sudden movement and jerked his head up, diving for cover behind Charming before realizing that no actual attack had occurred. “Oi! There’s no need for that, love. Swan, tell her not to injure me any more than she already has.” Regina’s eyes narrowed and she evaporated into a cloud of purple smoke, vanishing from Emma’s hold.

“Oh, now you’ve done it,” Emma sighed. “It’s gonna take forever to calm her down.”

Hook yelped as the smoke began to reform directly in front of him, scurrying around it and taking cover behind Charming yet again. “She’s off her head! I told you what you wanted to know, what more do you want from me?” This last was shouted at the cloud, sticking his head out from behind Charming’s broad shoulders before hiding once again.

A distinct sigh came from the cloud, before Regina reformed rather abruptly. She glared at the pirate, Charming looking vaguely nauseous at being caught in the middle, before huffing and sitting back down on the log she had been occupying with Emma moments earlier. “Common sense would be nice, dear. A little respect might go a long way as well, you know.”

Emma rolled her eyes, seating herself next to Regina and telling Hook, “You need to explain what you mean for the rest of us. We’re not all pirates who’ve sailed the seven seas or shit like that. How does Pan’s Christmas spirit turn into the fucking winter wonderland we woke up neck deep in?”

Regina’s eyes narrowed. “Trust me, dear, this is _nothing_ like Wonderland.”

Emma shook her head. “It’s a figure of speech, Regina. Hook, explain now.”

The pirate sighed before tentatively emerging from behind Charming and sitting down opposite the women. “Pan loves Christmas, yeah? It’s one of the only mainland things he maintains. So every year, at Christmastime or roundabout, he magics up a great big mess of snow to fall on us poor buggers. Makes everything more festive, or so he thinks. It’s bloody annoying.”

Snow gasped. “It’s Christmas? Oh my god, I didn’t realize we’d been gone that long! The people at home must be so worried!” Emma rolled her eyes before clamping down hard on Regina’s arm. The queen’s mouth snapped shut and she resorted to glaring mutinously at Snow and pointedly not looking at Emma.

“Snow, I think the people at home are going to be more worried with living their lives in the new land than about whether or not we’re going to make it home for Christmas.” Charming winced sympathetically when his words caused his wife’s face to fall, but he didn’t take them back. Emma was nodding in agreement, and even Regina’s glare had lessened.

“How about we all just concentrate on getting Henry and getting the hell out of here? I’d honestly rather not see what Pan does for Christmas. Knowing him it’ll be a roast for Christmas dinner. Roasted _us_ , with Regina’s apples in our mouths. I prefer other things in my mouth, personally.” Regina elbowed Emma hard in the side to cut her off and she flushed a deep red.

Snow looked at the two of them, confusion and slight suspicion present in her face, but Emma didn’t offer any explanation before Regina distracted the brunette. She sighed, speaking directly to Snow. “What subject do you teach, dear?”

Snow looked equal parts confused, wary, and vaguely embarrassed. “I’m a general elementary teacher, Regina. The kids don’t have different teachers for specific subjects until middle school.”

Regina’s face took on an expression of comical, exaggerated shock. “You mean you teach math _and_ other things too?” Her eyes were open wide, looking at Snow with an air that suggested that that was brand new information to her.

Next to Regina, Emma shook her head in silent despair. Charming looked on in confusion, not sure exactly what was going on, but somehow sure that it wouldn’t end well for Snow. Hook wasn’t paying them any more attention, having fled to the opposite side of the campground as soon as he was sure that no one was paying him any more attention. He sat with his sword out, alternately sharpening it and examining his face in the polished blade.

Snow answered Regina slowly, drawing out the word as she spoke it. “Yes?” She sounded tentative, obviously searching for traps but unable to find any.

Emma rose from her seat and walked over to Hook, sitting down beside him and addressing him quietly, trying not to be noticed by either Regina or either of her parents. The pirate grinned, nodded, and shifted closer to her, subtly handing something to the blonde.

Regina’s voice shifted suddenly, going from sweet and innocent to cold as ice in an instant. “So tell me, Ms. Blanchard, how is it that you can teach math to my son, yet you’re incapable of simple addition?” Her narrowed gaze held the other woman fast, every one of Snow’s muscles locking against her will in the face of _that look_ on the woman who, for better or worse, raised her.

“I… Regina, what-?”

Regina rolled her eyes hard, looking as if it physically pained her to have to breathe the same air as the brunette.

Snow gulped.

Charming stepped forward to intervene before looking between the two women once more and reconsidering.

Emma and Hook toasted each other, the steel cups the pirate had produced from nowhere making a dull _clink_ , and then downed the entirety of the cups’ contents, making terrible faces at the taste before immediately refilling them from Hook’s flask.

“It is not Christmas, dear.” Regina’s voice was filled with cold steel. Snow looked terrified, cowering before the glare of her surrogate mother.

Somehow, though, she summoned up just enough courage to defend herself. “Regina, Hook just said-”

“I know what that filthy, disease-carrying mongrel said, Snow! We’ve not been on this godsforsaken island long enough for it to be Christmas! It’s December nineteenth!” Regina cut her off impatiently with a raised voice, her temper besting her for a moment before she calmed herself. She muttered under her breath for a moment before smoothing her features. “You’d think a teacher would be able to count. I assure you, I will be looking into the dreadful state of our educational system when we return.”

Across the campsite, Emma jerked back from Hook. The word ‘disease’ floated over the fire, the only thing that was audible to anyone caring enough to listen. Hook immediately shook his head, talking as fast as her possibly could. Charming couldn’t hear anything, and neither Regina nor Mary Margaret were paying any attention, but Emma seemed mollified. The two of them clinked glasses again, taking a drink in honor of their resolved fight.

“Don’t be rude, Gina!” Emma called across the campfire, sounding fuzzy but still perfectly coherent.

Snow’s eyes widened, but Regina merely waved a hand at Emma, never taking her eyes off Snow. “Yes, of course. My apologies, darling.”

Hook preened, but was brutally cut down without Regina ever looking away from Snow. “I wasn’t talking to you, pirate. My apologies were for Emma and _only_ Emma.” The pirate shot an aggrieved look at the Savior, but she just shook her head and refilled his cup.

Snow’s eyes somehow got wider still, her terror forgotten in the face of the shock she was feeling. “Regina, did you just call Emma by her first name?”

Regina spoke slowly, sounding out the words like she was talking to a toddler. “Yes, Snow, I did. It _is_ her name, is it not? Was it not given to her so that people may address her by it?”

Emma and Hook were whispering furiously, pausing every now and then to take another drink. Emma muttered something, gesturing emphatically with both hands. Hook wiggled his eyebrows and Emma blushed furiously before nodding, a smug smile making its way across her face. Both the pirate and the blonde burst out in uproarious laughter, smothering it hastily when Regina glanced at them. Muffled snickers still made their way out into the open, and Regina’s eyes narrowed before turning her attention back to Snow.

Snow sputtered. “Yes, but you’ve never called her that before.”

Regina’s answering eye roll was a thing of beauty. “Why must you blow things so out of proportion, Snow? All that matters is that it is snowing because Pan has _Christmas spirit_ , which will make our attempt to rescue Henry exponentially more difficult. Can no one focus on this one thing?”

Emma struggled to her feet, raising her hand triumphantly and exclaiming, “I can!” The gesture proved to be too much for her, though, and she tipped over, falling into Hook and knocking him over, the both of them collapsing into a pile of tangled limbs and laughter.

Regina’s patience visibly snapped and she strode around the campfire in three quick steps, reaching down and extricating Emma from the pirate. “Keep your hands to yourself, dog. I don’t want you giving her fleas.” Her words were addressed to the pirate on the ground, but her arms wrapped around Emma and pulled her into Regina’s body as she glared. “And _you,_ Ms. Swan. Must you try my patience so? You know how I feel about him.”

Emma giggled, shook her head, and straightened up, making a concerted effort to appear sober. “I know, Gina, I’m sorry.” She glanced down at Hook and bit her lip before laughing again, all composure suddenly gone. “But we were talking about you! I was telling him about that one time at your house when you tied me up with the silk and we-”

Regina clamped her hand over Emma’s mouth, sighing. “Not in front of your parents, dear, we agreed.”

Snow’s face had lost all color, her name never more apropos. “What is she talking about? Emma, what are you talking about?”

Charming took a menacing step forward, his heroism abruptly rediscovered. “You tied up my daughter, Regina?” He drew his sword. “I knew you were still evil.”

Emma’s eyes widened, her laughter forgotten in the face of her father’s blade. She stumbled forward out of Regina’s arms, grabbing David’s arm in a joint attempt to keep him from impaling Regina and to keep herself upright. “Nooooo, dad, don’t stab Gina, she only tied me up because I asked her to! And it was sooo worth it. Chill out. Have a drink, Hook’s pirate rum is really good once your taste buds stop working.” She grinned toothily up at her father, patting him on the cheek.

Regina made an involuntary sound, her gaze shooting to Snow. The woman was frozen, not moving a muscle except for her eyelids, which blinked rapidly.

“Whoa, ma, your eyelids look like hummingbird wings. A hummingbird on like, crack. Is that healthy? Can hummingbirds snort crack?” Emma spun to face Regina, the other woman automatically reaching to steady her when she overbalanced. “Do hummingbirds even have noses?”

Regina stared at Emma, her usually adaptable mind completely blank. Emma grinned at her. “It’s okay. I have a nose. So do you! And eyes, and a mouth and a tongue.” She looked contemplative for a moment. “I really like your tongue.”

Snow fainted.  


End file.
